At least, I think that’s what this is. I’m feeling a bit depressed about the state of my professional work, weighed down with the thought that everything I write is, at best, mediocre.
Combined with this is a struggle to write anything at all. Let me say it now for all aspiring writers and novelists: the romantic idea that you can complete your masterpiece while looking after a baby is *just an idea*. The reality - that BABIES EAT TIME - means that finding the opportunity to sit down and write anything of a meaningful length is almost impossible.
As I type these words Barney is rolling on the floor at my feet, blowing raspberries and making grunting noises. It’s OK for him, that’s a productive use of his time. It’s OK for me, too, because when he’s in this mood I can leave him there for quite a while (as long as 30 minutes) while I type.
Writer’s block is bad when all you can do is sit and look at the screen. It’s worse when, having stared at the screen for a long time, you have to get up with a sigh and go through another round of fresh nappies and spoon feeding. I love my son, I love him to bits, and he means more to me than anything I’ve ever written. But I do wish I could write something too.
It dawned on me like a rock squashing a snail that part of my problem is the pervasive presence of the internet in my daily routine. I find it very hard not to use any spare five minutes to go online and check my mail, and this is one thing that stops me from writing. Picking up the computer usually necessitates checking mail. The two just go together. Mail checked, reading it necessitates clicking a few URLs to see what’s there, and reading stuff. Before I know it, the spare time I had has vanished, and Barney needs me again.
I need to get into some new habits.
1. Pick up the computer and *write*. In a room with no telephone point. Resist the urge to read email. Don’t browse. “I’ve read the internet; it’s rubbish.”
2. Enjoy every moment of my baby’s waking life. When he’s asleep, do other stuff.
3. Write so much that I can afford to throw words away. This is something of a new approach for me. As a journalist at a news wire service like PA, I had to churn out thousands of words every day and almost all of them went straight out on the wire. They all had to be good enough (which is not the same as good, is it?) to be used in that way. It became so ingrained in me that I still write that way, choosing words and phrases and ideas that will be sufficiently OK to be understandable, not necessarily taking the time to devote more thought to the process and choose the best ones. With more words to choose from, I can afford to ditch the less interesting ones and only make public the ones I think are the best.
4. Stop thinking in terms of “writer’s block.” I find myself under enormous pressures in other parts of my life at the moment, and it all seems to gobble up parts of my brain that I used to be able to rely on for inspiration. But I think it would be good to find some way of separating that real-life dullness off from the creative part. How nice it would be to switch from one to the other, like lanes on a motorway.
5. Finding some work would be a good thing, too.